Why I Never Let Go First: The Science Behind a 20-Second Hug
As featured in Today’s Parent
The other day, one of my sons came in for a hug. Not a quick squeeze—but a real, long, melt-into-you kind of hug. I could feel the weight of his day in that embrace.
And I didn’t let go first.
Not because of some parenting rule I read in a book—but because I want him to know: he can take up space with his emotions, and my arms are a safe place to land.
That moment is exactly what I had the chance to talk about in my recent feature in Today’s Parent Magazine “Why Your Family Needs 20-Second Hugs”, where I shared the power of 20-second hugs—and why they’re more than just sweet gestures.
They’re a science-backed way to calm the chaos, reconnect, and regulate—for both of us.
Why 20 Seconds Matters
It might sound small, but long hugs actually change what’s happening in the body. Studies show they lower stress hormones like cortisol, slow the heart rate, and release oxytocin—the feel-good, connection hormone.
If your child struggles with big feelings (or if you do), that pause, that closeness, that 20 seconds—it matters.
But What If They Don’t Want a Hug?
In the article, I shared this:
“When a child is having a really hard time, like when a toddler has a meltdown, they might not want to be hugged, but we don’t want to leave them alone with big feelings. We can be low and slow, ready to offer touch as they end that stress cycle.”
Not every child wants physical touch in hard moments. And that’s okay.
The goal isn’t to force a hug—it’s to be available. To co-regulate. To offer presence over pressure.
Sometimes that looks like:
Sitting nearby without saying a word
Matching your breathing to theirs
Letting them borrow your calm until they find their own
Want support in finding your calm? 👉Join the FREE 5-day RESET: From Reactivity to Resilience.
Real Talk: This Is Also for Us
Parenting is relentless. We’re holding so much. And often, we think we have to do more or say the right thing in every meltdown or moment of struggle.
But sometimes—what our kids need most is something that doesn’t require fixing or perfect words.
Just us.
Grounded.
Available.
Present.
That’s why 20-second hugs are part of our family rhythm. Not always timed. Not always counted. But always available.
❤️ Want More Tools Like This?
If you’re feeling maxed out by the emotional ups and downs of parenting, you’re not alone.
I work with high-achieving parents every day who are doing all the things—and still feel like they’re falling short.
If that’s you, I’d love to support you. Start here:
✨ [Join the Reactivity to Resilience Reset]
📥 [Download the free Parent’s Peace Pack]
And if you want to read the full article in Today’s Parent, you can find it [right here].
You got this!
